I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but there’s such a delicate balance to feeling strong and weak at this stage. With my friends, with my family, and with myself I feel strong. I was shedding perceptions and growing into the life I wanted for myself when I was younger. I’ve settled who cares about me in their heart, and I’ve given them the best I can. Mistakes have been made, hearts have been broken, and I’ve owned up to it.
Tough situations, moment reactions, making the hard choices…. those all come naturally for me. There’s no fear in my heart, no hesitation in the moment. I push all of that away. I focus on what needs to happen, and everything else is slurred noise.
The weakness comes to me in the stillness of the world. There’s this click bait picture circling around with a doctor doubled over, one hand clutching a concrete barrier, screaming (or what I imagine to be screaming). I don’t know if it’s true, but the tagline is “ER doctor who just lost a 19 year old patient”. That’s how I feel afterwards. Everything hits at once, in the stillness. I don’t want to show anyone else who it affects me, because that’s not what they need. I deal with it in private, doubled over, clutching the concrete after seeing my grandmother roll out of the house in a body bag. The same wonderful woman I spent weeks trying to coax to eat even a spoonful of food. The same beautiful human who withered away right before me, in spite of all of my efforts.
I remember waking up in the early morning wide awake. I remember visualizing letting go of a type of balloon, and watching it climb in the sky. As the balloon lifted higher, I drifted back to sleep.
It’s so hard to comprehend most people are not like me when a loved one’s time comes to a close. The well family members tend to go about their lives, and maybe visit. The visit is always short lived, and they usually leave with a sigh of relief as they enter their easy life again. I carry a lot of weight in my heart from always making the tough decisions, but I would never trade them for anything else in the world. When I love, I will love you fiercely until your final breath. I will be there in those last memories, and I will be there to make sure you have the best parting possible. I just truly hope someone will do the same for me, even if that makes me selfish.