Sorry is Gone

 

I’ve said this before, but next year is going to be awful for me. All of my favorite musicians are releasing albums this year, and I have to say this is one I am ecstatic for.

A few weeks ago Jessica Lea Mayfield came out on instagram stating she had been in an abusive relationship for some time now, and this song is related to that situation.

I heard the backstory first, and it’s impossible to separate the two for me. I identify with her so strongly on a regular basis, it’s pretty obvious I would identify with her now as she struggles with some of the same problems I was overcoming.

The line that drives home this whole feeling is “I deserve to occupy this space, without feeling like I don’t belong.”

 

 

 

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Feelings Suck

So, I got into a facebook argument despite my better judgment. Nothing the girl said particularly affected me, but the argument did bring up some painful memories.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life, and I guess there always has been. My grandmother clinically died three times before she finally left this world. I spent most of my life in the shadow of her fragile health. I’ve learned to internalize all of those struggles, and to cope with them quietly. As I grow older it’s hard to find time to cope with those feelings. The need for solitude always seems to surface when my schedule least allows for it.

That’s where the song comes in… For those moments I have to carve out solitude and make space for myself. Give it a listen, especially if you’re feeling blue. It feels good to have a tangible sound for the feelings in your heart.

 

Half God Half Devil

Hey guys,

Long time no see. I’ve been focusing a lot on my school work and self-improvement this summer, and it’s working out pretty well for me. I hope everybody else’s summer is going well too (:

While sitting on a bunch of different personal improvements I’ve been trying to make, the new In This Moment album came out. I have to tell you guys, it’s amazing.

Favorites?

  • Joan of Arc
  • River of Fire
  • Roots
  • Half God Half Devil
  • No Me Importa

I had the chance to see them live too, and let me tell you… it was the BEST show I’ve ever been to. In This Moment’s Maria has so much stage presence it swallows the entire venue. She even stopped the song to call out a rude mosher, and subsequently won our hearts.

If you guys get a chance, I highly recommend seeing them live!

I’ll be working on more posts once I recover from my writer’s block,

so I’ll see you guys back here soon. ❤

 

Greenlight – Lorde

This song’s been on repeat all morning.

Lorde’s music has a way of bringing things out in me I’d forgotten. The way she phrases topics we’ve all heard before in a fresh new light always draws me in and keeps me.

This time I’m reminded of all of the heartache I remember, how I got over it. I burned a lot of items, watched the words written float up to the sky, ran from how I felt. That’s the only time I really struggled in my life. I lost three beings that had been the most important in so little time, the ebb and flow of my emotions lost me.

One of my go-to metaphors are rocks in a stream. The water is rushing around you, lifting me (the rock), carrying me miles downstream in a few minutes. The current slows, as does the speed of the rock, until gradually the current drops the rock to the riverbed. When I hear this song, when I remember that time, this is what I feel and hear. Varying currents, strides being made, losing momentum, wanting to be free of the rhythm.

I hope she found her green light.

This Is Vaguely About A Concert

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Eisley, I’m Only Dreaming Release Tour, 2017

I’m not sure how to begin this blog, or really what I’ll even end up talking about. I guess the easiest opening is to describe the beginning of my love of the band Eisley.

I was young, living through the internet (which was on a schedule thanks to having a technogeek Dad concerned I’d end up on How to Catch a Predator). I was one of those proud music Myspace geeks, and would surf for hours finding new bands with a good technique and sound. I’d put them as my Myspace song and wonder how long it would take before they had a record deal.. then I’d start all over again. I liked my music discreet and underground, but with a lot of potential. Sadly, I was also one of those kids that would fight you to the death for stealing my music. I liked this private little world I’d created, and I didn’t want to expedite their fame any more than necessary. It was a complicated, somewhat convoluted philosophy… but I was bored with nothing else going on.

That’s when I stumbled upon “Telescope Eyes” by Eisley. Even though they’d already had a record deal by the time I discovered them, I admitted them into my discreet music library. The sound was just so beautiful to me. I grew up on a LOT of folk music, and the sound was such an interesting blend of all of those comfortable loves with new indie rock. I set “Telescope Eyes” as my MySpace song, and began growing with every new album the band released. By the time they’d lived the struggles I was going through, wrote an album about it, and then released the album I was in a similar place. I went through some of the toughest life challenges of my whole life during those years, due to a series of family deaths, family almost-deaths, friend’s family’s deaths, and the usual turmoil one feels when coming of age.

All of these memories and feelings come alive when I listen to older Eisley, even now. I’m somewhat obviously a steadfast believer in acknowledging your shortcomings, and documenting your past. Now I’m going through a whole new sphere of feelings as I gear up to begin adulthood.

Valentine’s Day

I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day, though I’d hardly admit it to anyone. I love doing things for the people I love, and I also appreciate a good sappy movie with some accompanying chocolate. When I was young my dad would bring me back some small trinket for Valentine’s, of which I loved immensely, probably beginning my love of the holiday. Even as an adult I prefer smaller presents. My favorite Christmas present was a box cutter, in all honesty (it’s so convenient!).

Presents aside, Valentine’s is also a holiday of reflection. I take a moment to consider all of the ones I love, and how I could be a better person to them. Self-reflection is a valuable part of my life, and always has been. I’ve kept a consistent diary since I was 11 years old, and looked over the pages to remind myself we all grow and change. Writing things down has also given me the ability not to lie to myself… It’s easy to throw aside what an old friend or family member says you did, not so easy to throw it aside when it’s written in your own handwriting. Usually, I’ll take a moment and look over the pages, just to keep myself humble.

This year I didn’t look over my diary.

When a loved one goes through their first family death, I’m reminded of all my loved ones that have passed, or that I’ve watched wither away.
Unfortunately, the worst part about being the youngest of your generation on both sides of the family is that you see death much younger than anyone else. I’m awkwardly old enough to know the meaning, awkwardly young enough to live my adult life without them. Now in my friend group, I’m usually the only one to have seen someone close to them die. Usually, someone would say I should use this to help someone else, but that’s just not how death works. You can’t warn someone. You can’t show them. All you can do is nod and promise to be there.

Even sharing my experience becomes too much for me sometimes. I have a terrible time letting go of anyone I love, let alone something as permanent and long lasting as death. What hurts me more than anything is my memory of them fading, and forgetting what life feels like with that person in your life. Every time I lose someone, I immediately sit down and write everything about them. I don’t want to forget a single detail of their life. Not everyone else is so connected to that idea, thus making it hard for me to console people who aren’t like me.

These emotions and memories have left me in a strange place. As a result, my nonstop song this year was The Hunter.

“All the love I’ve shown, given to the ones I’ve known. All the love I make, is equal to the love I take.”